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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27389593">Let me be enough</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/theArcane/pseuds/theArcane'>theArcane</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Destiel AUs/Oneshots [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angel Castiel (Supernatural), Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon Rewrite, Canonical Character Death, Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Castiel forever, Castiel in the Empty (Supernatural), Castiel is Not Okay (Supernatural), Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Character Death, Crying, Dead Jack Kline, Dead Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester Needs Therapy, Dean Winchester Needs a Hug, Dean Winchester is Bad at Feelings, Dean and Cas comforting each other, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Hurt Castiel (Supernatural), Episode 18 does not happen, First Kiss, Hurt, Hurt Castiel (Supernatural), Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, In a way, Kissing, M/M, Men Crying, Not Canon Compliant, POV Dean Winchester, Rude Dean Winchester, S15E18, Sad, Sad Ending, Sam and jack are dead, Season 15 e18, Season/Series 15, Tears, The Empty (Supernatural), Unhappy Ending</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 19:40:59</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,016</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27389593</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/theArcane/pseuds/theArcane</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Au where Sam and Jack die fighting Chuck and Dean and Cas are heartbroken. But instead of sharing his pain, Dean keeps pushing him away. Cas confronts him to be open about his feelings. </p><p>After tears and emotional talks, Cas and Dean try to find comfort in each other and Cas is finally *happy*.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Destiel AUs/Oneshots [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2071791</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>36</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Let me be enough</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Trigger warning: death, suicide</p><p>Also, be prepared for a LOT of tears because this is not a happy fic.</p><p>I hope this isn't too long or dramatic. I just have a lot of feels and I'm pretty sure Dean does too :v</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The sun was bright in Dean's eyes, but it barely bothered him. The fish swimming gently beneath him, in chaos and yet in perfect form. He liked looking at them. It made him feel that the world was still his, <em>still theirs.</em></p><p>He knew that he would glow like a bright tomato by the time he would be back and Sammy would definitely have a good laugh off it. <em>Sammy..</em></p><p>He took a swig of his beer. Around him, at least two empty bottles were lying. He didn't even remember finishing them. It was all a big blur to him. To be honest, most of his days were a blur. He couldn't even remember what he had for lunch, or if he even <em>had</em> lunch. <em>He barely remembered anything.</em></p><p>Anything except flashes of that night, Chuck laughing, Jack glowing up, Billy choking, Sammy jumping in front of him, the pain in Cas' eyes reflecting his own.. he remembered it all very well. They plagued his nights as his days. In times like this, there was only one hand reached out to him.</p><p>The <em>hand</em> which was now pulling up a chair to set it beside him. The wooden chair creaked as someone sat on it and Dean caught a flash of brown trenchcoat. He didn't know whether he should be angry or relieved by this presence. Most of the times, he had no idea how to feel. <em>And the man in the trenchcoat, he was the most confusing of them all.</em></p><p>"Cas." Another swig.</p><p>"I figured you'd be here." He said, following Dean's eyes to the fish.</p><p>"Where else would I rather be?"</p><p>"You missed lunch today."</p><p>"Did I? Didn't notice."</p><p>Dean could almost hear the silent <em>huff</em> coming out from Cas. He knew it wasn't fair, to either of them. They were the only ones left with each other and after everything they've lost, they should be pulling each other closer. But Dean kept pushing him away. </p><p>He<em> wanted</em> to find solace in Cas, he really did. But the angel reminded him too much, of everything they had lost and everything they used to be.</p><p>"The groceries are going to waste Dean, I don't remember the last time you properly ate."</p><p>"I don't eat rabbit food, Cas. You should try remembering that."</p><p>
  <em>A distant memory, of his little brother pursuing his lips at Dean's words for healthy food.</em>
</p><p>"Maybe you should start. Sam always kept telling you-"</p><p>"Well Sam isn't here, is he?" Dean snapped harder than he had intended to.</p><p>Cas fell silent. For a moment, the only sound was of the water flowing and birds chirping in the distance. Dean looked back at their little cottage, the one they'd been living in since the past few months. He had refused to go to the bunker after Sam died. He arrived at this abandoned cottage of a friend of Dad's without a penny in his pocket. Just Impala and Cas. At that time, he didn't care what clothes he was going to wear or how he was going to take care of his expenses. He couldn't bear to go back. The next morning, all his clothes were in the cupboard along with his fake identities and credit cards. Cas never said a word.</p><p>The memory brought a bit of gratefulness back in Dean and he felt guilty for his small outburst.</p><p>"I..I am sorry." He cleared his throat. "I will pull up something later to eat. Don't worry about me."</p><p>Cas turned towards him. "That's the thing Dean. I can<em>not</em> stop worrying about you."</p><p>Dean looked at Cas, his blue eyes more piercing than the sun. He felt shriveled. "I can take care of myself."</p><p>"I can see that." Cas said, gesturing towards the empty bottles.</p><p>"Sarcasm isn't a good look on you, Cas."</p><p>"I only learned it from the best." There was a small note of amusement in his otherwise monotonous voice.</p><p>Dean took another swig of the bear. It almost felt like the old times.</p><p>"Why do you keep pushing me away?"</p><p>"What?"</p><p>"I said- why do you keep pushing me away?"</p><p>It <em>almost</em> felt like the old times, but the wounds were reopened now.</p><p>Dean got up from his chair. "It's getting dark. We should head back."</p><p>"Dean." Cas said. His voice was flat, but Dean knew him well enough to sense a hint of pleading in his tone.</p><p>Dean kept walking. The bear bottle wasn't in his hand, which meant he had dropped it somewhere along the way. It didn't bother him. The only thing bothering him was the footsteps following him, calling out his name.</p><p>He walked inside the cottage and slammed the door shut. Cas opened it with a glow of his eyes.</p><p>"Dean!" He said, an invisible force in his voice gluing Dean to his spot. He turned around.</p><p>"What?" He barked.</p><p>"I asked you a question."</p><p>"I heard it."</p><p>"Then answer me." Cas' eyes were on fire.</p><p>"What do you want me to say, Cas? Do you want us to braid each other's hair and talk about our feelings? Talk about how much we miss them?"</p><p>Cas sighed. "It would not hurt to talk about them once in a while."</p><p>"Talk about <em>who</em> Cas?" Dean stepped closer, meeting Cas' fire with his own rage. "Talk about <em>who</em>? Say their name."</p><p>Cas looked away, looking uncomfortable.</p><p>"You see? We can't even say their names. They are gone, sacrificed and we can't even honor them by saying their names!" The rage in Dean's eyes was slowly turning into tears.</p><p>"It just.. it hurts." Cas whispered.</p><p>"Goddamn I know it hurts! And yet you keep on insisting on reopening all those wounds. I can't do it Cas. They're gone and I can't do it anymore!"</p><p>Cas gently wiped a tear off Dean's cheek with his sleeve. He was so close, Dean could feel his hot breathe on his face.</p><p>"They are gone, but I am still here. I wish you wouldn't forget that."</p><p>Dean shook his head, embarassed by his tears, but they refused to stop. "It's not enough, Cas. <em>We</em> are not enough."</p><p>"I know." Cas said, his own voice breaking. "But I am ready to give you a chance, because I <em>know</em> that you will be enough one day. Will you give me one too?"</p><p>Dean stared into Cas' eyes. Underneath all the tears and the anger and the sadness and the determination, he was just a tired man. <em>As tired as Dean was.</em></p><p>"I may never truly understand your pain Dean as you will never understand mine." Cas continued. "They're similar, yet so different. I cannot lessen it, but I want to help you go through it. I want to save you because you have saved me thousands of times before. I am just asking for one last time."</p><p>Dean had applauded Cas before for putting up with his every shit and even during the past few months, Cas had picked him up, literally and metaphorically countless times. When Dean had been nothing but a real bitch to him. He owed Cas this much.</p><p>"I am sorry for being so goddamn selfish all the time. I forget you lost a son and a.. brother too." His tears hadn't dried yet, but he didn't feel ashamed of them anymore. <em>This was Cas.</em> <em>He was a part of Dean as much as Dean was a part of him.</em> "And you've been here this whole time and I keep pushing you away." He closed his eyes, letting his tears flow freely. "I don't know what I did to deserve you."</p><p>He was right. He had done nothing to deserve Sam or Jack or Cas. Both of them were gone, but Cas was still here. For some reason, he was still here and Dean wouldn't let him go. <em>Not this time.</em></p><p>He opened his eyes. After many months, he saw something mirrored in Cas' eyes, and it was not pain, nor rage. It was desire. Pure, unadulterated desire.</p><p>
  <em>It felt like the old times again...</em>
</p><p>He took Cas' face in his hands and before he knew it, he was leaning in and Cas was leaning in too and they were kissing. Kissing like they had never kissed anyone before. It was pure, raw and honest. It was something that had been caged for years and was finally being set free.</p><p>Dean couldn't breathe but he refused to part. In that moment, they were becoming one and he wasn't willing to be himself again. He was <em>Castiel's</em>.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>***</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Cas woke up with Dean in his arms. <em>Has there ever been a more beautiful sight?</em> This man, the most beautiful man he had ever laid his eyes on was finally his.</p><p>He felt a heavy force being lifted off his chest. The hole Sam and Jack had left in his heart will forever be there, but Dean was filling something inside of him. He was scared to admit it, even to himself, knowing the consequences, but he had to say it. He had to <em>feel</em> it.</p><p><em>He was happy.</em> After centuries and millennials of not feeling anything but pain, he was finally happy. It felt so good to admit it.</p><p>And even though his nose was bleeding and his heartbeat was doubling and his veins felt like they were ready to burst at any moment and there was a terrible pain in his forehead, he was happy.</p><p>His body was in pain, but he didn't scream. He made sure he never made a noise. Because he wanted his last moments to have a peacefully sleeping Dean Winchester in his arms. He wanted this to be the last thing he ever sees.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>***</strong>
</p><p> </p><p><em>There was something wrong.</em> Dean could feel it. Even though he had slept peacefully last night, and there had been no nightmares, yet he could feel something wrong as soon as he was awake. He was afraid to open his eyes.</p><p>"Cas?" He murmured.</p><p><em>No answer</em>. That was funny. He could feel the weight of Cas behind him and it's not like Cas was sleeping, because, well, he <em>couldn't</em> sleep.</p><p>"Cas?"</p><p>Dean opened his eyes. He turned around to ask whatever the hell was wrong with him.</p><p>The sight that met him will haunt him for the rest of his life. The stone cold body, the open eyes with no life in them, blood smeared on the face.</p><p>He kept shaking and shouting, but to no avail. It wasn't even Cas' body. It was Jimmy Novak's. Cas was gone. He could no longer hear Dean's screams. No one could hear them.</p><p>He kept shaking and shouting anyway.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>***</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Dean Winchester doesn't remember a lot of things but he still remembers Cas' hands on him, the touch of his lips, the way his skin felt. He only got one night with him, but it was enough.</p><p>He also remembers, his Dad, his Mom, Charlie, Bobby, Crowley, Kevin, Sam, Jack, Cas and how everyone was taken from him. In truth, this is all he remembers.</p><p>But it doesn't matter now. What matters is the bright sun and the clear blue water and the fish swimming around his feet and the rocks in his pocket. The waterbed is a bit slippery as he walks. It will get slipper but that's for the better.</p><p>He is almost in the middle of the lake, the weight in his pockets are heavy but he feels light. He isn't scared or sad as he lets the water take him. They say drowning is the worst, but it soothes him.</p><p>
  <em>He will see Sammy and his parents again. He will see Bobby,Charlie and everyone else.</em>
</p><p><em>He will not see Jack or Cas. He will not see Cas</em>. He thrashes, once, twice, trying to come up to the surface, but the rocks are too heavy and the water is filling his lungs already. The sun is fading as darkness consumes him. He does not let the water take him peacefully, but it does take him and he only one thought in his head.</p><p>
  <em>He will never see Cas again.</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So this is my first Dean/Cas fic and I hoped y'all liked it. </p><p>Please leave kudos or comments if you do! ♥️</p></blockquote></div></div>
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